Desire gaps are common in relationships. Here’s how to talk about them (2024)

WARNING: This article contains major spoilers for the Netflix series Heartbreak High.

Adolescence is frequently thought of as a time of wild sexual exploration, and teenage TV dramas often reflect this.

So it was refreshing to see an often overlooked and misunderstood branch of sexuality addressed in the latest season of Heartbreak High.

While the initial premise of the Netflix reboot rests on the reveal of a hidden “sex map”, in season two we see the character Ca$h start to explore his asexuality. As a result, his relationship with Darren reaches somewhat of an impasse.

In the penultimate episode of the season, Ca$h confronts Darren, crying, “I obviously can’t give you what you need... it’s f---ed of me to expect you to shut that part of yourself off”.

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“If sex is killing our relationship,” Darren responds, “I will kill sex.” Ca$h shakes his head and the pair break up.

It’s a raw moment where two people are forced to confront the truth about their relationship – that despite their deep love for one another, they can’t be each other’s everything. It’s a moment that many people – no matter their sexual identity – will be able to relate to.

Sexologist and clinical nurse Kendall Buckley says mismatched libidos is one of the most common reasons couples come to her. She applauds Heartbreak High for its depiction of asexuality on screen.

“Adolescence in particular is when people often start to notice they’re different from the norm, so this storyline really highlights the validity of this particular subset of identity and sexual expression,” says Buckley, whether this difference from the norm is related to asexuality or mismatched libidos within a relationship.

What is asexuality?

In the most general sense, people who are asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others. But Tanya Koens, a clinical and somatic sexologist and pleasure activist, says like all forms of sexuality, it’s more complex than that. There are many forms of asexuality (Koens says she’s encountered up to 30), including demisexuality – when someone only experiences sexual attraction when they have a close emotional bond, and grey sexuality – experiencing sexual attraction only in certain situations or at certain times.

In the same way someone’s sexual identity might vary over their lifetime, being asexual isn’t always a fixed thing. “I think you can be situationally or globally asexual,” explains Koens.

Importantly, Buckley says asexual people can – and do – have healthy relationships with sexual people. How this is navigated varies from person to person, she says, but comes down to healthy and open communication about what each person is comfortable with.

The desire gap

It’s extremely common for couples to encounter mismatched libidos at some point in their relationship, says Buckley, even if neither person is asexual. Everything from medication, to stress and lifestyle changes (like having children) can cause sexual desire to fluctuate. For others, she says, sex might just sit at different places on a couple’s list of values, and it can be OK to admit this and move on.

Koens says most couples in long-term relationships will encounter a desire gap at some point. “We expect sex to be spontaneous like it is at the beginning of a relationship or in the movies,” she says. “When we’re in long-term relationships, life gets complex.”

How to talk to your partner about sex

It can be tricky to talk about something as vulnerable as sex with a partner.

“I think it’s a really good conversation to have with all your clothes on, rather than waiting until you’re in the moment,” says Koens, who also recommends “bringing curiosity” to every conversation and “responding with kindness and generosity”.

Buckley suggests approaching the topic of sex from the side, rather than head on, which can “put people’s defences up straight away”.

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Instead, she recommends focusing on intimacy. “It’s about helping people build closeness and re-establishing that excitement with one another rather... it’s less aggressive.”

Aids like intimacy cards (such as these ones here) can be a good way to get more comfortable talking about sex. Or, she suggests inching your way towards the topic by sending a meme or a question like, “how about this?” or “have you considered this?” via text.

“That process of pushing yourself through, feeling a bit uncomfortable and vulnerable, is what builds connection, which in turn builds sexual tension and intimacy.”

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